“ Inter arma silent legs. " - "IN wartime the laws are silent” (From the speech of Cicero. 52 BC). “To whom is war, and to whom mother is dear” (proverb)
Who among us did not start writing a diary as a child, trusting the notebook pages with our little sorrows and joys. They hid the notebooks in the farthest drawer of the desk so that mothers or brothers and sisters would not accidentally stumble upon them. Usually, diaries quickly became boring and few people wrote at least one notebook from start to finish. This diary takes up several notebooks. If the author of this diary had not written words on paper, but kept them to herself, it would have been even more difficult for her. Although, it’s much more difficult...
The diary is personal. What you say to yourself, without hiding the truth from yourself. And not everyone will agree to have their diary read. It takes courage. The same as the little girl Polina had, who grew into a talented and courageous woman. I think that not only I, reading a book made on the basis of diaries that I kept over many years, a girl from a city with the harsh name of Grozny, while reading, constantly looked back in time, comparing dates and remembering what they were doing at that time or another day. They sat at a school desk, kicked a ball in the yard, read books, got married, gave birth to children - doing ordinary everyday human things. There, in Grozny, in these same ordinary days, people had to survive. Survive under bullets, under bombs. The words “search for daily bread” were not a metaphor there. However, a child is a child and he is interested in girlfriends and boys, kittens and puppies. Only kittens die from the city, and puppies are killed. Who cares about a cat's life when people are not spared. We ate the portions of lies that the TV fed us. We watched Nevzorov’s deceitful “Purgatory”. General producer Boris Berezovsky. That's for sure: to whom it is war, and to whom mother is dear. Some suffered and died from the war, others grew rich from the war. “Nationalists from UNA-UNSO and snipers from the Baltic states fought on the side of the militants...” Today we know the price of this lie. Today, a former liar about the Chechen war and a former militant Orthodox Christian - journalist Alexander Nevzorov, fights against priests and religion, he has become an oppositionist. Knows how to keep his nose to the wind. Boris Abramovich Berezovsky, who gave money for the false film, has died. The cause of his death is unclear. Before his death he became poor. "...the end of life financial condition Berezovsky has deteriorated greatly. Although back in 2008 it was valued at $1.3 billion, after several lost trials he accumulated significant debts, he had to fire his assistants, almost all his security, put up for sale several houses he owned and some valuable property ... "
A Chechen woman whose son Tima went crazy from bomb explosions, who had nowhere to live, nothing to eat, whom no one helped, they were also poor. Only their poverty and the poverty of Mr. Berezovsky were of different orders. Some rejoiced at the boiled potatoes. Another suffered from having to sell some valuable property. I don’t know the fate of Tima and his mother. Many lives have been consumed by war. The lives of young Russian soldiers who were fed as cannon fodder to the dog of war, civilians the state of Ichkeria, killed, tortured, and suffering from chronic diseases. “In wartime, laws are silent” However, someone made a fortune out of human misfortune. “Money doesn’t smell”? They smell so good, gentlemen. Only this smell will haunt you in your personal purgatory. We will all get there and everyone will be responsible for themselves. I don't care what the name of God is. Only, as my grandmother said: “God is not Timoshka, he sees a little”
I read the book "Ant in glass jar» week. Although I could read it in a couple of days. I stopped when people’s troubles filled me so much that the pain seemed to become physical. This is not the fantasy of a journalist, not a film shot in a pseudo-documentary style, not the fiction about “white tights” that everyone has heard about but no one has seen. This real life, a real girl and her mother, their friends and enemies, their neighbors and casual acquaintances - residents of military Grozny. The girl survived and became a writer. I read the first story in her next book, The Thin Silver Thread. This is no longer a diary. This is literature. A child of war, she did not become bitter, she found solace in books. What is history? What is written in textbooks or Mr. Medinsky’s books? No, no and no History is written by people. With their lives, their destinies. Polina Zherebtsova wrote a page of truth in history. This book is a must read. Read and cry. Apologizing for turning a blind eye and believing lies.
Polina Zherebtsova turned out to be braver than many. She showed us her life so that this would not happen again. Finland accepted Polina and received another caring daughter. Weak people are always cowardly, although they boast when they gather in crowds. The strong are generous. Let Polina’s book teach kindness and generosity to those who envied the persecuted. Let no one be persecuted. And thank you for the truth, dear author - Polina Zherebtsova.
Zherebtsova was born and raised in Grozny. Her diaries cover childhood, adolescence and youth, which included three Chechen wars. Studying, falling in love for the first time, quarrels with parents - things that are familiar to any teenager - coexisted in Polina’s life with bombings, hunger, devastation and poverty. A girl with a Russian surname and wearing a headscarf tied in the Muslim style found herself between two fires. She saw death, fought for life and to remain herself. After leaving Grozny, Polina graduated from college and became a member of the Union of Journalists and the PEN Club. Currently lives in Finland.
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Ant in a glass jar. Chechen diaries 1994–2004
Polina Zherebtsova
Zherebtsova was born and raised in Grozny. Her diaries cover childhood, adolescence and youth, which included three Chechen wars. Studying, falling in love for the first time, quarrels with parents - things that are familiar to any teenager - coexisted in Polina’s life with bombings, hunger, devastation and poverty. A girl with a Russian surname and wearing a headscarf tied in the Muslim style found herself between two fires. She saw death, fought for life and to remain herself. After leaving Grozny, Polina graduated from college and became a member of the Union of Journalists and the PEN Club. Currently lives in Finland.
Polina Zherebtsova
Ant in a glass jar
From the publisher
Everything that is in this book was seen, remembered and written down by Polina Zherebtsova, who was born in 1985 in Grozny and lived there until she was almost twenty years old. She began keeping her diary when she was nine. Here is the most complete edition to date of recordings made in 1994–2004. The text is printed in the author's edition, with abbreviations, based on materials provided to the publisher in electronic form in November 2013
Dedicated to the multinational population of the Chechen Republic, which was bombed from the sky and shelled from the...
Current page: 1 (book has 41 pages in total) [available reading passage: 27 pages]
Polina Zherebtsova
Ant in a glass jar
From the publisher
Everything that is in this book was seen, remembered and written down by Polina Zherebtsova, who was born in 1985 in Grozny and lived there until she was almost twenty years old. She began keeping her diary when she was nine. Here is the most complete edition to date of recordings made in 1994–2004. The text is printed in the author's edition, with abbreviations, based on materials provided to the publisher in electronic form in November 2013.
Dedicated to the multinational population of the Chechen Republic, which was bombed from the sky and fired from the ground.
“Lyatt kiera,” he says, not trying to shout over the cannonade.
I press my knees to my stomach and shake dry lumps of soil falling from above from my face. Some of them had dirty white strands of roots left in them.
“The roots of the sky,” I whisper, “the roots of the sky, stuck in the ground.”
“Hvara duneja vain dats – this universe is not ours,” he says.
“Lyatt kiera—cavities of the earth,” he laughs, “we are already THERE and we just didn’t notice the transition.”
S. Bozhko. “The time of year is war”
On the time-worn first page of my Diary it is written:
“Question everything. Cicero"
1994
Hello Diary!
I live in the city of Grozny on Zaveta Ilyich Street. My name is Polina Zherebtsova. I am 9 years old.
For her birthday, March 20, my mother bought a cake with nuts. We were in the center. There are a lot of people in the square. People were screaming. There were grandfathers with beards. They ran in circles.
Lenin used to stand in galoshes. Monument. Then they threw him off, but the galoshes remained.
Why do people scream? What are they asking for? Mom said:
- This is a rally!
Wrote poetry.
I dream like all children
Sail on a ship!
And a magic shell
Find it at the bottom.
Woke up. I washed the dishes. I swept the entrance from the fourth to the first floor. I started washing. I washed things in the basin and read a book.
Why are all the snowflakes and not me? I was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood for the holiday. Mom sewed a suit from her skirt. I want to be a snowflake! All the girls in the class are snowflakes.
Mishka the cat sits next to him on a pillow. I'm reading The Three Musketeers. There is the queen, Milady and D'Artagnan. I like the world where they wear beautiful dresses queens. There are musketeers and guardsmen!
It's boring at home.
They played hide and seek. They hid behind trees and in gardens. I was hiding with Khava and Alenka. These are my friends. Then I rode a bicycle. But he broke.
I lost my mouse. Mom bought it for good behavior.
The mouse was sitting in my pocket. She probably fell into the grass. We searched with Alenka and Sashka. Not found.
Mom said she wouldn’t buy such a toy mouse again. She said I was a bungler. Fields
I was invited to visit by Aunt Katya and her daughter Vera. They are our neighbors from the fourth floor. They told me to come in the morning. I got up and went at six o'clock. Mom was sleeping. Then everyone scolded me because I went early. They called you! I was sitting in the kitchen. Aunt Katya let me in. She was making pancakes. Then Vera woke up and we played.
Vera has a boy doll. But I don’t. I have a girl. We decided to marry them.
I saw Grandma Lyuba and Grandpa Styopa from the second floor. They have a funny dachshund dog. The name is Button.
Today is Christian Easter!
We walked around the city. Rain. We reached the church. All the neighbors congratulated each other. They treated us to pies. The children ate colored eggs. Baba Zina gave to everyone. Islam from the alley and Magomed ate the most. But Vasya and Alenka didn’t get it. Baba Nina gave them pies.
It had been raining since the morning. Mom and Aunt Anya said: this is bad. When it's raining, God is crying because there are many sinners on earth.
Hurricane. Trees fell to the ground. Everyone was scared. Then we went to the gardens to pick apricots. But they are still unripe and green.
I dreamed bad dream: a monster burst through the window. It had claws and it knocked out the bars on the window.
We played: Patoshka, Vera, Asya, Khava, Alenka, Rusik, Arbi, Umar, Dimka, Islam, Sashka, Vasya, Ilya, Igor, Seryozha, Denis and me. First they played catch, then they played ball!
Mom gave us Jupi juice from a bag. We stirred it in a bucket of water. They drank. My favorite is orange, and Alenka’s is red. Strawberry. Then mom gave us Turba chewing gum. There is a car and a picture. Everyone was very happy.
Mishka the cat is sick.
I helped my mother sell cookies at Berezka. Mom doesn't get paid at work. Food is bad. Aunt Katya says:
- These are the times. Heavy.
We made chicken paw soup and ate it. Previously it was cooked from chicken, but now from paws. Paws are sold per kilogram. The chicken tasted better. Very tasty.
Mom wants to transfer me to another school.
High school students hit one girl on the head with a chair, she is in the hospital. I have been friends with Nadya since first grade. Told her secrets.
I'm collecting stickers and only have one left to stick. To win a Cindy doll! Nadya asked for a book, and I gave it. And I forgot that the book contains an album and stickers! Nadya returned the book, but not the album. My mother and I went to their house. They live in a private house. Mom asked her grandfather to give it back. They didn't give it away. I cried. Now I have no album and no girlfriend.
I saw a little pig at their house. He ran like a dog. Fields
Nadya is silent. Doesn't give away the album. And Chava said:
– Don’t give her anything either!
And I knew that I had Nadya’s dictionary. And I wanted not to give it away, but then I gave it away. If she is like that, then I am not like that.
I like Elena Alexandrovna - she plays with us. This is our teacher. I also like Alexey, who sits at the same desk with Yulka. I think I love him. He bought me a bun at the buffet. He is also not afraid of vaccinations. Me and the other girls hid in the toilet, but they still found us and gave us injections in the back. We cried.
...there were two glasses on the table. One with food for fish, the other with poison for mice. I knew what the poison was. But it was interesting what would happen if you fed it to fish. She gave me a little. They died in the aquarium. I was afraid to look at them. They became dead, but were alive.
Mom rushed over and let’s beat me.
- Murderer! “Mom fought with a towel.” - You are a murderer!
Aunt Maryam's son Akbar was upset. These were his fish. Aunt Maryam did not scold. She gave me a bagel and said she would throw the fish down the toilet.
I wasn't ashamed. It was scary. The killer feels fear. Fields
Mom bought food.
I bathed Mishka in a basin. Alenka helped. Then we walked until lunch. They lay and looked at the sky. I told Alenka that ghosts live in the old boiler room, which is located in the yard. She was scared. Alenka is a whole year younger than me.
Then Igor came and began to tell us that adults were lying and there was no Santa Claus. I said that there is no Santa Claus in a red hat. And there is Santa Claus who lives in the ice. He wanders around unseen, looking into windows in winter. And only children can see it. Alenka, Igor and Khava believed me. I thought he was walking and looking out the windows. Otherwise, how would I know this?
There is a line for bread, there is a fight in the store.
I brought an ant. He lives in a glass jar: there is earth there. I read in a book that ants build beautiful cities, and I decided to see how. Let him build it in a bank!
Wedding in the yard! Everyone was given candy. We danced Lezginka. They shot from a pistol. Aunt Maryam said:
– They shoot to make the evil spirits run away!
Alenka and I were talking about ghosts again. And Islam said that he was afraid to go to gardens. Because there are ghosts flying over garlic and onions.
More than anything else, I love running away from home. Mom beats me and doesn’t allow me. But I'm walking. I stand and look at the mountains.
They are blue. I love mountains. More than the sky and the sun. They surround my city. I look at them and think that when I grow up, I will go to them. I'll definitely go!
Everyone is afraid of an earthquake. Neighbors spent the night on the street. And we live on the first floor. We spent the night at home.
Grandfather Anatoly came. I asked how an earthquake happens. He took a box of matches from his pocket. He put it on his hand and shook it. The matches fell.
“That’s how the house falls,” said grandfather. - The earth is moving.
Then he opened the box, and there were no matches. And the beetle!!! Big beetle. Wings green. Grandfather showed me the beetle and then let me go. The beetle flew away and got lost in the maple leaves.
We went for a walk and saw a bomb behind the railway. A bomb from a distant war with the Nazis. Recently she appeared from the ground.
Chapa was poisoned by evil neighbors on the third floor. They hate dogs. Chapa was a kind dog.
By railway sometimes there are trains. Where are they going?
Aunt Maryam, our neighbor, has the keys. They are under the doormat. She always puts them there. I took it and hid it. I wanted to see what would happen.
Aunt Maryam came from the garden and searched. And then I said that I found the keys on the street and gave them back. Aunt Maryam was late for work.
Grandfather is sick. He was lying down. Mom bought medicine. Then he went to his apartment.
There are a lot of books in his apartment - he will never read them! There are books on all the shelves, and the shelves are from floor to ceiling! Grandfather buys them and keeps them.
I read Cervantes' Don Quixote, two volumes. The books are old. Inside, the paintings are covered with thin paper. And I looked at these pictures and thought that I was traveling there too.
I woke up and remembered my grandfather. It rained the day before yesterday. And then there was the sun. We walked along the road, and grandfather said:
- Do you see the tree? It is a child. Then the tree will become mature, and then old. Someday it will disappear. It will be used to make a table or light a stove. This always happens.
It was a birch tree. He also said:
- Don't tear the leaves. They are in pain.
I said:
- No, it doesn’t hurt.
And grandpa said that leaves are fingers. And I realized that if you pick them, they hurt.
I won't do it anymore.
We walked around the yard and sang songs. Me, Alenka and Khava.
Ships came into our harbor
Big ships from the ocean...
I came up with an idea to sing a song. We walked around the house and screamed. The neighbors slammed their windows.
Then the moon came. And we were surprised. The moon was red. We've never seen a red moon before! It was big, and there was a red light around. I said:
- Let's run away from here. Let's escape for the blue mountains!
Chava did not agree, Alenka was scared. We already ran away with Alenka. Near. They only escaped after two stops.
She released the ant. He never built a palace in a glass jar. Probably he just didn't. Didn't want it for me. Or alone I couldn’t.
Mom doesn't get paid at work. We sell newspapers. We walk and sell them on the streets from morning to night. We shout: “Newspapers! Newspapers!” My legs hurt. We need to buy medicine. Grandfather is in the hospital.
I was at the School Festival. They said we would have cooking lessons. This is good. I love to cook. Me aunt
Maryam teaches how to make halva and dumplings.
Played with Vaska. This is Aunt Dusya's son.
I gave Alenka a horse. She gave it to Vaska. I grabbed the horse's legs. I didn’t want Vaska to take it. Everyone was roaring.
Then I saw Vadik’s grandmother. Her name is Aksinya. I was friends with Vadik. I used to sled him when it was winter. He's small!
And then I came out one day, and the boys were running towards me: Vitya and Uncle Umar’s son. They shout:
- Vadik is on fire! Vadik is on fire!
I thought Vadik’s garden was on fire. The gardens behind the house were already burning. Dry, no rain. I went to Vadik’s grandmother. Said:
- Your garden is burning.
She replied:
- Let it burn!
Because there was a fire, and Alenka’s dad burned there: the neighbors put out the fire in the garden. Here.
Then we went for a walk: me, mom and Alenka. We were in the park and ate ice cream. We came home, and here Sashka was riding a bicycle from the second floor. Shouts:
- They found Vadik!
Mom didn’t understand, and neither did I, but Sashka said:
“Vitya and Vaska locked him in the garden barn and set him on fire.” It's burned out! Alive.
I said it wasn't true. I saw Vaska. He was watching TV at Alenka’s. And Vitya and Uncle Umar’s son ran towards me. A fair-haired Chechen.
Vaska did not burn anyone. He watched cartoons! And Vadik’s family reported Vaska’s parents to the police. Because Vitya’s parents are drunkards. Vitya is a degenerate. And Vaska is normal.
Vadik was buried in a coffin with a closed lid. There was only a photo.
There were people with weapons in the market. They were looking for something. Everyone was scared.
I went to new school. There are many children in the class. There is a girl Diana. Her mother is a teacher. Diana beats everyone and takes away their breakfasts. Tears notebooks. My notebook was also torn.
I was so nervous during the dictation that I mixed up the words. I'm very afraid of three. Mom can beat you.
But everyone liked my essay. It was even read to high school students in other classes. They said it was just wonderful! I wrote that autumn has come. Every leaf is alive. He keeps the story of his life within himself.
Our teacher Lyudmila Nikolaevna plays with us during recess. She's gray-haired. We love her very much and don’t quarrel with her. She asked me to draw Slavic words in my notebook mythical creatures: brownie, goblin and water.
They also teach you how to cook at school. There is such a lesson. We prepare salads.
Mom picks me up from school after trading at the market. We're going home.
And today is Sunday. I went to help her sell newspapers. But there was no trade. Mom was crying. Grandpa needs medicine. Not in the hospital. Need to buy.
An unknown aunt gave us ice cream.
Everyone praised my report on the planets. I wrote about Jupiter and Mars. Mom helped glue the pictures.
They shot! It was soooo scary. I cried. And grandfather Idris, our neighbor, told us not to be afraid, that there would be no war. My heart was pounding. There were explosions.
I'm afraid to go to school.
Helicopters and planes were circling. Low. The heart is beating. Will they kill us? I told my mom.
Mom says:
- No. There will be no war. It won't!
Lots of old people with beards. Everyone is saying something. They run in a circle and read a prayer. I find this very strange.
And grandfather Idris said that everything would be fine and gave him sweets. And Aunt Valya said. And grandmother Zina. And Aunt Maryam.
There will be no war. It's just planes flying. They look at us.
Airplanes are shooting. I don't go to school. Nobody is walking.
My mother and I visited my grandfather in the hospital. And I saw my grandmother Elizabeth. This is my dad's mom. She's old. She asked me:
-Will you look after me? Help me?
And then she said:
– You take good care of your grandfather!
I only saw her twice. Never ever. He and his mother are not friends. Grandma Elizabeth lives in the Minutka area.
Grandfather Anatoly was robbed in the hospital. Money and food were stolen. They gave him an injection, he fell asleep, and everything was stolen.
There is no food in the hospital. We need to bring food.
We were at the market. The plane was flying low. Everyone was afraid.
I used to look at the sky and wasn’t afraid, but now I’m very afraid. And I look at my feet.
They shoot from machine guns in the streets.
The adults say that tanks are coming to the city. Russians. Yeltsin declared war on us, so be it!
Grandfather is in the hospital. I'm afraid when they bomb. My mother and I sell newspapers. They don't sell well. Once I even begged with my mother, and once on my own. There is no shame in extending your hand, it is a shame in looking at people. We bought medicines with this money.
We have to pick up grandpa from the hospital. He felt better. We can't go out - there's shooting. Our neighbors came to visit us. They are afraid.
Mom dreamed of her mother. Grandma Galya. She died recently. She said:
- Go. Your father is waiting to be buried.
Mom told her:
- No, he’s alive, he’s in the hospital.
And I woke up. She told me a dream.
We can't get to the hospital. They're shooting.
Mom left me with Aunt Valya and Alenka. Then Vaska, Aunt Dusya’s son, came. We played cards. There is no light, and no gas either.
And then my mother came and my grandfather was killed. Shelling. They shot where the hospital was on Pervomaiskaya Street. The doctors ran away. They were hiding. But the sick remained.
What to do? Grandfather Anatoly has been lying dead for a week. Mom is crying.
Grandfather was buried. They didn't take me. There's shooting everywhere. I heard my mother say to Aunt Valya:
“They couldn’t put him in a coffin because time had passed.”
Mom gave everyone salted tomatoes and bread - a remembrance. Neighbors left the city for the villages. But many remained.
We go with mom and trade. Otherwise there is nothing to eat. Yesterday the plane flew low over the market, and everyone ducked down. He made a terrible howl.
We sold grandfather's fishing rods and lures. He has a lot of them. Nobody believes that the Russians will bomb. They are people after all.
My mother and I wanted to pick up things from my grandfather’s apartment. And they told our neighbors to take what they wanted too. For memory. And they all took it. And Aunt Valya, and Aunt Dusya, and Uncle Adam from the second floor: he bought the apartment of grandfather Styopa and woman Lyuba, and many others.
Then grandfather Shamil came. He wanted to buy his grandfather's apartment. But we were told that grandfather’s apartment belongs to a Chechen alone. We didn't believe it. Grandfather did not sell it. But that's what the police said. And they said that mom could only take things.
Houses in the center were burning.
Mom bought a bag of flour. We fry flatbreads over a fire. Baba Nina and I carry firewood.
We went to the market. And then they started shooting. And everyone ran. Everyone fell into puddles. I fell.
Someone attacked someone. And they shot. Then it killed a woman’s child, and she screamed. She screamed a lot. This is a bullet. There were bullets everywhere, and everyone ran and ran. And we ran.
We got on the bus. He drove off, and then it happened that helicopters started shooting at the bus. They shot at our bus! Everyone was screaming and hiding behind each other. Helicopters flew and shot. And the planes flew and buzzed.
We got off at the “Neftyanka” stop and ran across the field and the railway. There was some grandfather and an aunt with children. Me and mom. Everyone ran. And the helicopter was flying and shooting bullets at us. And I threw my bag and ran home first. But there is no mother.
And I didn't know what to do. I took out an old icon from the shelf with books. There's a picture of Jesus on it. I fell to my knees and began to cry:
- Lord, please make sure no one gets killed! Please! Save mother and children, and grandfather, and aunt!
Malika came running from the second floor:
- They will kill us! They will kill us!
This is Noura's daughter. Then mom came.
- The bungler, why did you throw your bag? - speaks.
Malika asked her mother:
- They shot there. Who was killed?
- Nobody. “Everyone ran away,” my mother answered.
Malika said that their family would leave the city for the village.
Why don’t Yeltsin and Dudayev agree? Yeltsin is one guy, and Dudayev is our president. Yeltsin lives in Moscow and wants to fight here. And Dudayev lives here. Dudayev is beautiful!
We went to a bakery. There was a lot of shooting and planes were throwing bombs. Uhalo. We brought bread. Gave it to my aunt
Valya, Baba Nina and Yuri Mikhailovich, grandfather from the second floor.
Then I didn’t want to go, but my mother dragged me. There is a house in the center. A bomb hit him. There are old people lying down there. Russians. They fought with the fascists. Now no one can get them. No crane. And the house fell. The floors have fallen!
Mom dragged me, but I didn’t want to. I was afraid that I would hear their screams and never sleep. There were candles burning near the house, and there was food in bowls. For three days people have been hearing screams, but they can’t save them. We just prayed. And everyone cried. Very scary.
Mom was at the Beryozka market. They said that residents somewhere did not allow Russian soldiers in, and they killed someone. They did something bad to one aunt. And now everyone was scared.
Planes are bombing. Bombs are being thrown at us!
Our neighbors live: they are afraid to live high up. They came to us. Baba Olya, Baba Zina, Alenka and her mother come running and run away (they have an old woman Rimma at home). From the house opposite, Baba Nina and her daughter Aunt Varya came to us blond hair. And Aunt Varya’s children: Mansur, Yurochka and Bashir. Bashir is a year older than me. We went with him to school No. 55.
And Mansur is five years older than me. Shells hit their home. And the wall fell. Now they have nowhere to live. They live with us. We have a one-room apartment. We take turns sleeping on the same couch. Tanks are coming along the road and shooting. Mom took out the Christmas tree. New Year!
1995
The Year of the Pig has arrived! This is the zodiac.
They shot at the house all night. We were lying in the corridor niche. There are no windows. Before that, we sat on a sled on the floor in the bathroom. The house was shaking. It was burning. The tanks walked along the highway and fired. The rattle is terrible. Mansur and the boys ran to look at the tanks.
Planes dropped bombs. And then the shell hit so hard that the grate fell off the window in the kitchen. And it fell on mom, grandma Nina and aunt Varya. They celebrated New Year on the floor. Now their heads are broken.
I am drawing a portrait of Mansur. Fields
They shoot, but I'm used to it. I'm not afraid. When it thunders nearby, Baba Nina sings songs or reads ditties with bad words. Everyone laughs and it’s not scary. Well done Baba Nina!
We are in the entrance, cooking on a brick stove. I look at the fire and think: salamanders live there.
We are grimy, dirty. All things are covered in soot. We go behind houses and to pipes to get water. Sometimes we lie on the ground so as not to kill us. That's how it should be.
Baba Rimma is sick. This is Alenka's grandmother. I run to their second entrance. They have a potbelly stove! And it's very cold here. We sleep in boots and coats. We make a smokehouse in a jar: there is a wick and kerosene. It's not dark at night, and you can whisper while the planes are throwing bombs.
Everything is burning. Bombs from the sky.
An aunt was killed in an alley, and a family from another house was killed. People die when they go for water or look for bread.
Some guy came to us and asked for kerosene. Mom didn't give it.
There are many of us. There is nothing to eat. Mom and other people went to the base. The base is a place where there is ice cream in boxes. Everyone is robbing him. And my mother brought it with Aunt Valya. We heated it up and drank it with flatbread. Very tasty.
We drown the snow. There just isn't enough of it. And it's kind of tasteless. The icicles used to be delicious! And this one is kind of burnt and gray. Mom says from the fires.
At the Neftyanka stop they saw a Chechen girl with a red braid. She has a green ribbon on her head. And in his hands is a small machine gun. The girl is sixteen years old. She is fighting for Grozny. With her was a boy younger than her. Probably brother.
The grandfather at the bus stop said:
- She defends the Motherland. You will grow up and you will! – and pointed his finger at me.
And mom said:
- Beautiful girl. God bless her! “Redhead” blushed and left.
I also learned that the small machine is called a “tulip”. Just like a flower!
There is no food anywhere. There is no bread. Baba Nina got some cabbage. We eat cabbage! I'm soon 10 years old.
Mansur showed a rocket launcher. This is a tube. They give her a signal. He found her on the street.
Uncle Sultan, Khava’s dad from the first entrance, caught a chicken somewhere, boiled it in a large bucket and gave everyone the broth to drink. And he gave it to us. We immediately pounced on everything and ate it. That is, we drank water from the chicken. Oh, how great! Uncle Sultan also gave me two potatoes!!!
Khava is not at home. She is with her mother in Ingushetia.
The son of Baba Olya came through the blue mountains. She's old. She lived with us. Both soldiers and militias wanted to shoot him. He told everyone:
- I'm going to see my mother!
And they didn't kill him. He is brave.
We were so hungry! And he went to the base and brought us half a box of sprat! Oh, how delicious! He took Baba Olya. They will leave the city on foot.
There is no food. There is no water. Cold. I often sit in the bathroom. There is no glass. There are no bars. It was carried away by shells. There is snow on the floor.
I'm arguing with Grandma Nina. She wants to burn books instead of firewood! I'm arguing with Bashir. He pulls my hair. Nasty repeater! Yurochka is fooling around. And I love Mansur. Only this is a terrible secret! And so that no one knows, I will hide you, Diary, behind the closet. If Bashir finds you, I face a lifetime of shame. He'll tell everyone.
Mansur is brave. He is trying to find food and is not afraid of shelling.
Even at the bus stop, the militia laid a trap. They cut down trees and captured armored personnel carriers and tanks. They threw a “fire” at them. Then they shot the soldiers and left.
And the boys from our yard ran there. And they said that one soldier was still alive. He asked to be shot. He had no legs. They burned out. He asked it himself. So said Ali, who lives a block away from us. Ali is 13 years old. He killed it.
And then he cried because killing is scary. He killed with a pistol. Grandma Nina was baptized, and everyone cried. Ali gave the aunts a letter. The soldier wrote this: “Take care of your daughters. We are going down to Grozny. There is no choice. We can't turn, our tanks have their guns pointed at us. If we turn around, it’s a betrayal. We will be shot. We are heading towards certain death. I'm sorry."
The aunts wanted to throw the letter away, but my mother put the letter where the books were. She promised to send it to the address. There is no street or house number. Burnt out. But it says: xxxxxx area. I feel sorry for the soldier. I won't go to the bus stop, through the gardens. His corpse and other dead people lie there.
The military shoots dogs. Dogs eat dead people. They lie on the streets dead people and dead dogs. I try not to look when I walk by. I close my eyes. Because I scream when I see them and I can’t stop. And mom scolds. He says I'm a coward.
The militias are fighting with the Russian military. Militias are people who defend their homeland. That's what Grandma Zoya said.
Grandma Zoya's grandson is five years old. His name is Slavik.
Mom and I saw Uncle Sultan. He walked through empty shops, looking, perhaps, for food and firewood. Found nothing.
The fights don't end. They say that many people were killed in the villages.
I am sitting in the corridor alcove on a mattress. There is shooting all around. They hit the house directly.
Yesterday I slept with Aunt Valya, Alenka’s mother. We have nowhere to sleep. Everyone sleeps on the floor and on the sofa. There is nowhere to put your feet.
Why did the war start? My mother and I went to the Peace March in the fall.
A neighbor from our house was wounded in the legs. They are swollen. In the house nearby, my uncle’s arms were blown off.
And when we were hiding in a niche during the shelling, a shell hit the car outside the window.
The car wanted to leave the city. There was a man, a woman and children. The woman was severely wounded, and the others died immediately. The woman screamed and screamed, and then she also died.
And I covered my ears with my hands and lay on the floor. I couldn't listen to her screaming terribly. Then they said that she was pregnant. Their bodies were taken away. There was almost nothing left of the car.
In the summer, Alenka and I buried beetles and worms. They made a grave for everyone and erected a stone monument.
But then they didn’t find any dead people. And then I killed a couple of new beetles and buried them too. I decided to let the cemetery be more magnificent. Stupid!
But that's not all. When I visited my grandfather in the hospital, I did one very bad thing. I deceived him. I deceived. How bad is that! And God punished me. War has come to us.
There were Russian soldiers in the yard. They took everyone out into the yard.
The guys were stripped naked and watched. I was very ashamed. Why did they take off their clothes?
Aunties and grandmothers were arguing. The soldiers said they were looking for a trace. Looks like a mark from a strap. From a machine gun. And one guy was taken somewhere. Although no one saw a trace of him. This guy was just passing by.
They looked at our documents.
We visited my grandfather's apartment. There are Russian soldiers there. They removed the floors. No parquet. Hole. They were burning a fire.
They burned Pushkin!!! Nightmare! Horror! Lunch was being cooked.
Mom spoke to them. Scolded. They nodded their heads. Mom says:
- They are eighteen years old! They don't understand what they are doing!
And so, in my opinion, they are big guys. One had a mustache. They live and shoot there.
A shell hit my grandfather's apartment. She's broken. The soldiers shot the TV. Why?
We were at the Beryozka bazaar. They sold flatbread, cigarettes, and pickles.
When the shooting happened, everyone ran and hid.
We walked back and looked: grandma. He's carrying something on a sled. Covered with a blanket. Mom decided it was a coffin. Granny is barely walking. She is about eighty years old. Gray hair from under a scarf. They're shooting all around. But she's deaf. He doesn't even hear.
Mom decided to help. I carried the sled across the track. And then the wind, the blanket fell. We look, and this is not a coffin at all, but a new refrigerator in a package. Grandma stole it somewhere.
Everyone steals. And Aunt G, and Aunt A, and Aunt Z, and Uncle K., and X, and M! Everyone takes their cars in the morning. They're coming. And then they come and bring carpets. Dishes. Furniture. Only two or three people do not steal. Yuri Mikhailovich does not steal, and several other neighbors do not steal. Other neighbors say:
– Russian soldiers are stealing!
And it's true.
- And we will steal! The good will still be lost.
And they do so.
From the house opposite, the most tireless one is Grandpa Polonius. He used to work in prison. Overseer. Now he carries wheelbarrows five times a day. He has about ten friends with him. Sometimes they fight over who gets what. They're screaming right in the yard.
And Aunt Amina and Aunt Rada are different from our house.
We went to the center: me, mom, Aunt Valya and Alenka. And we also went into a private house. There was tea there. We took one box each. Then I saw the doll. It was a baby. And I took it. Alenka found pencils. But mom didn’t take anything. She said she was almost killed by a sniper. A sniper shot at my mother. After all, it’s a shame if you kill in someone else’s house and you are found as a thief.
– We have a lot of our own things at home. There's nowhere to go! - Mom said. - Let's go home!
And we left.
We went to church. She is behind the bridge, where the Sunzha River is. Sunzha is dirty and muddy. The church was knocked down by the shells.
She was hit more than once. There are houses around, as if after a terrible earthquake: there seemed to be houses, but now only part of the wall.
The church served salted tomatoes and pasta in cups. There were Russian grandmothers, and there were Chechen aunts. There are a lot of children. Grandmothers grumbled at them.
I also saw Lucy there. She lives in destroyed entrances. Her father, mother and grandmother were killed. Lucy paints her lips. She found red lipstick in a broken house. Lucy is 14 years old.
Mom said that a bomb hit the zoo and the animals died. And I saw a dog. Her nose was cut off by shrapnel. She has no nose now. And a lot of dead dogs.
They also said: the nursing home was hit by a bomb and they died.
In the church, my aunt-nun took me inside, downstairs. There, in the basement, it is dark, and only thin candles burn near the icons. Everyone prayed that the war would go away soon. The nun aunt gave me fish and potatoes. And I ate. And mom swept the church yard.
They said that the pasta and tomatoes were given by the Cossacks. Cossacks are such people, they live somewhere far away and help here. Because it's war.
Then we walked back. The military fired heavily. We were lying on the ground. And they saw dead Russian soldier He was killed in front of us. He was lying down with a weapon nearby. He was wearing a blue uniform.
Mom went into the yard. And there is an armored personnel carrier. And she said:
- Go, your boyfriend is lying there!
And the soldiers ate something and drank from a bottle. And they didn’t go. We went home.
They gave grandfather Yuri Mikhailovich some tomatoes and pasta. He was happy!
The tanks are driving, and there are carpets on them. They say they take it to the city of Mozdok and sell it. And to Ingushetia. There's even a market there. They buy everything stolen.
Neighbors are robbed and soldiers are robbed. The doors are open due to shells and bombs. In houses, if they didn’t take things, they shot them: TVs, washing machines.
We go looking for bread. Nowhere. The sack of flour has run out. I'm hungry all the time, and so is my mother. Our refugees are repairing a wall in their apartment on the third floor. They run there until they shoot.
There was a moment when Russian tanks drove into the yard, and we came out. We had never gone to the basement, but then we decided to go. There was a lot of shooting. We went out and closed the door. The tank pointed its muzzle at the entrance. And in the entrance are children, grandmothers and aunts. We started hitting the door. It doesn't open. And I closed my eyes and decided that he would shoot and we would die.
He fired, but missed. It didn’t hit the entrance, but hit higher. From the gardens, militiamen began shooting at the tank and shouting: “Vanya, surrender!” The tank began to back away.
REVIEWS OF LITERARY CRITICS:
LiveLib.ru The Living Library recorded the book "Ant in a Glass Jar. Chechen Diaries 1994-2004" based on rating and voting. in "100 best books of all times"
The "Bestseller" library recognized this book as the best and gave it first place in the project "Together with the book to peace and harmony", dedicated to the presentation books about wartime.
"This book can be quoted from any place, in any order. And everything will be one endless horror. Perhaps you will decide in the heat of the moment: reading is the only way to force people to abandon the war forever. Polina kept a Chechen diary from 1994 to 2004: 10 years of shooting, death, hunger, cold, disease, humiliation, lies, betrayal, sadism - all that together is denoted by two letters “hell.”
Igor Zotov Cult of Enlightenment.
“The Chechen diaries of Polina Zherebtsova are a real document of the era, without any quotes or winks, without embarrassment for the loudness of the wording, which is fully justified by the events that became the material for the diaries. A real document of the era, and in the best - artistic - sense. And therefore it is certainly worth it read."
Elena Makeenko Diary as a way to survive Siburbia
“...Varlam Shalamov believed that nothing good could come from the death camp; nothing good could come from this experience either.
However, Polina Zherebtsova - no, she did not extract the “positive”, because this is probably impossible - but she managed, despite her experience, to rethink it...”
Ksenia Buksha, Reading.
"This book is not about war at all - it is about strangled kittens, shot puppies, lawlessness, poverty, about rozhki pasta. About people who resist with all their might so as not to become worse than animals. Polina wanted her diary to become evidence of human atrocities , like Tanya Savicheva’s notebook in Leningrad, but she wrote the best and most detailed book about our time."
Petr Silaev, Poster
“Zherebtsova’s descriptions of how people turn into non-humans achieve incredible literary power.
Sometimes it's even hard to believe that all this is not high quality a literary forgery - and therefore, the pages of the original diary, covered with children's handwriting with colored pens, covered with pictures, appeared on the cover as a reminder of the reality of the story, that very close to the world of iPhones and slip-ons there is war and snipers shooting at little girls for fun "
Lisa Birger, The Village
“The diaries of Polina Zherebtsova, published in excerpts in various publications since the late 2000s, are no less than a key document of the era, equally significant from the historical (the closest analogue is Anne Frank’s “Refuge”) and from the literary (no worse notebooks Susan Sontag) points of view: they will primarily be used to determine what Russian teenagers thought and wrote at the turn of the century. Those who say that here is the final truth about modern Russia“You can’t ignore such a text.”
Igor Kirienkov T&P
“Polina’s habitat is her family, where everyone is passionate about art, poetry, history, journalism and painting. They study the East. One of her grandmothers is an actress. Another studied with Plyatt, but later became an artist, hand-painting bedspreads and scarves. Polina’s grandfather is Grozny documentary filmmaker,” says peacemaker Stanislav Bozhko.
This entire world was split in an instant by a missile strike on October 21, 1999 in the center of Grozny. Then greatest number there were victims in three places: at the central food and clothing market, at the republican maternity hospital and at the mosque. According to various sources, from 100 to 120 people died. About 400 more were wounded, many of whom also subsequently died."
Vera Vasilyeva, Grani.ru
“A girl born in 1985 in the USSR perceives herself not as Russian or Chechen, but as a citizen of the world. Her homeland is the pages of books written in Russian. But in war-torn Grozny, the word “Russian” is a shameful stigma. Russians are “to blame” for everything , although they themselves are the suffering party.
For Russian name the girl is beaten by her peers at school, in each of the five schools where she happened to study. Over the years, Polina learned to fight and defend her dignity. The book contains many episodes demonstrating that courage and perseverance command respect, but that a coward cannot survive. Enemies always challenge, watching closely - how the victim will behave, break, or survive.
In Russia, where the Zherebtsov mother and daughter end up at the end of the book, they are considered “Chechens”, and they are again powerless outcasts. Polina repeats more than once that she is a person of peace; many bloodlines are intertwined in her family. The concept of “personality” means more to her than “a representative of some people,” but cultural identity- more than national."
Alisa Orlova, Mercy.ru
“These sheets from a children’s notebook are valuable as an amazingly powerful testimony to the terrible events of yesterday, as a story of a person who existed inside a history textbook, as a document that captured a merciless picture with the merciless eye of a child, as a miraculously surviving note from a contemporary. But it is also extremely talented and thoughtful a narrative in which stories of growing up, love and death are intertwined. You can say that this is a “document of the era”, this is an “adventure novel”, this is “military prose”, this is a “drama of growing up”, this is a “love saga”... But all these definitions are not the same. accurate: these pages are about the value of an individual human life above any geopolitical considerations, national differences and global concepts, and love and the will to live are stronger than the call of blood and shell explosions."
Philip Dzyadko
***************************
25.03.1994
Hello Diary!
I live in the city of Grozny on Zaveta Ilyich Street. My name is Polina Zherebtsova. I am 9 years old.
21.11.1994
We go with mom and trade. Otherwise there is nothing to eat. Yesterday the plane flew low over the market, and everyone ducked down. He made a terrible howl.
We sold grandfather's fishing rods and lures. He has a lot of them. Nobody believes that the Russians will bomb. They are people after all.
01.12.1994
We went to the market. And then they started shooting. And everyone ran. Everyone fell into puddles. I fell.
Someone attacked someone. And they shot. Then it killed a woman’s child, and she screamed. She screamed a lot. This is a bullet.
11.12.1994
We went to a bakery. There was a lot of shooting and planes were throwing bombs. Uhalo. We brought bread. Gave it to my aunt
Valya, Baba Nina and Yuri Mikhailovich, grandfather from the second floor.
Then I didn’t want to go, but my mother dragged me. There is a house in the center. A bomb hit him. There are old people lying down there. Russians. They fought with the fascists. Now no one can get them. No crane. And the house fell. The floors have fallen!
Mom dragged me, but I didn’t want to. I was afraid that I would hear their screams and never sleep. There were candles burning near the house, and there was food in bowls. For three days people have been hearing screams, but they can’t save them. We just prayed. And everyone cried. Very scary.
Fields
01.01.1995
The Year of the Pig has arrived! This is the zodiac.
They shot at the house all night. We were lying in the corridor niche. There are no windows. Before that, we sat on a sled on the floor in the bathroom. The house was shaking. It was burning. The tanks walked along the highway and fired. The rattle is terrible. Mansur and the boys ran to look at the tanks.
Planes dropped bombs. And then the shell hit so hard that the grate fell off the window in the kitchen. And it fell on mom, grandma Nina and aunt Varya. They celebrated New Year on the floor. Now their heads are broken.
I am drawing a portrait of Mansur.
02.01.1995
They shoot, but I'm used to it. I'm not afraid. When it thunders nearby, Baba Nina sings songs or reads ditties with bad words. Everyone laughs and it’s not scary. Well done Baba Nina!
We are in the entrance, cooking on a brick stove. I look at the fire and think: salamanders live there.
We are grimy, dirty. All things are covered in soot. We go behind houses and to pipes to get water. Sometimes we lie on the ground so as not to kill us. That's how it should be.
Baba Rimma is sick. This is Alenka's grandmother. I run to their second entrance. They have a potbelly stove! And it's very cold here. We sleep in boots and coats. We make a smokehouse in a jar: there is a wick and kerosene. It's not dark at night, and you can whisper while the planes are throwing bombs.
09.01.1995
Everything is burning. Bombs from the sky.
An aunt was killed in an alley, and a family from another house was killed. People die when they go for water or look for bread.
Some guy came to us and asked for kerosene. Mom didn't give it.
There are many of us. There is nothing to eat. Mom and other people went to the base. The base is a place where there is ice cream in boxes. Everyone is robbing him. And my mother brought it with Aunt Valya. We heated it up and drank it with flatbread. Very tasty.
We drown the snow. There just isn't enough of it. And it's kind of tasteless. The icicles used to be delicious! And this one is kind of burnt and gray. Mom says from the fires.
10.01. 1995
At the Neftyanka stop we saw a Chechen girl with a red braid. She has a green ribbon on her head. And in his hands is a small machine gun. The girl is sixteen years old. She is fighting for Grozny. With her was a boy younger than her. Probably brother.
The grandfather at the bus stop said:
- She defends the Motherland. You will grow up and you will! - and pointed his finger at me.
And mom said:
- Beautiful girl. God bless her!
The “redhead” blushed and left.
I also learned that the small machine is called a “tulip”. Just like a flower!
There is no food anywhere. There is no bread. Baba Nina got some cabbage. We eat cabbage!
I'm soon 10 years old.
12.01. 1995
Mansur showed a rocket launcher. This is a tube. They give her a signal. He found her on the street.
Uncle Sultan, Khava’s dad from the first entrance, caught a chicken somewhere, boiled it in a large bucket and gave everyone the broth to drink. And he gave it to us. We immediately pounced on everything and ate it. That is, we drank water from the chicken. Oh, how great! Uncle Sultan also gave me two potatoes!!!
Khava is not at home. She is with her mother in Ingushetia.
14.01.1995
The son of Baba Olya came through the blue mountains. She's old.
She lived with us. Both soldiers and militias wanted to shoot him. He told everyone:
- I'm going to mom!
And they didn't kill him. He is brave.
We were so hungry! And he went to the base and brought us half a box of sprat! Oh, how delicious! He took Baba Olya. They will leave the city on foot.
18.01.1995
There is no food. There is no water. Cold. I often sit in the bathroom. There is no glass. There are no bars. It was carried away by shells. There is snow on the floor.
I'm arguing with Grandma Nina. She wants to burn books instead of firewood! I'm arguing with Bashir. He pulls my hair. Nasty repeater! Yurochka is fooling around. And I love Mansur. Only this is a terrible secret! And so that no one knows, I will hide you, Diary, behind the closet. If Bashir finds you, I face a lifetime of shame. He'll tell everyone.
Mansur is brave. He is trying to find food and is not afraid of shelling.
Even at the bus stop, the militia laid a trap. They cut down trees and captured armored personnel carriers and tanks. They threw a “fire” at them. Then they shot the soldiers and left.
And the boys from our yard ran there. And they said that one soldier was still alive. He asked to be shot. He had no legs. They burned out. He asked it himself. So said Ali, who lives a block away from us. Ali is 13 years old. He killed it.
And then he cried because killing is scary. He killed with a pistol. Grandma Nina was baptized, and everyone cried. Ali gave the aunts a letter. The soldier wrote this: “Take care of your daughters. We are going down to Grozny. There is no choice. We can't turn, our tanks have their guns pointed at us. If we turn around, it’s a betrayal. We will be shot. We are heading towards certain death. I'm sorry."
The aunts wanted to throw the letter away, but my mother put the letter where the books were. She promised to send it to the address. There is no street or house number. Burnt out. But it says: xxxxxx area. I feel sorry for the soldier. I won't go to the bus stop, through the gardens. His corpse and other dead people lie there.
Fields
26.01.1995
A neighbor from our house was wounded in the legs. They are swollen. In the house nearby, my uncle’s arms were blown off.
And when we were hiding in a niche during the shelling, a shell hit the car outside the window.
The car wanted to leave the city. There was a man, a woman and children. The woman was severely wounded, and the others died immediately. The woman screamed and screamed, and then she also died.
And I covered my ears with my hands and lay on the floor. I couldn't listen to her screaming terribly. Then they said that she was pregnant. Their bodies were taken away. There was almost nothing left of the car.
30.01.1995
In the summer, Alenka and I buried beetles and worms. They made a grave for everyone and erected a stone monument.
But then they didn’t find any dead people. And then I killed a couple of new beetles and buried them too. I decided to let the cemetery be more magnificent. Stupid!
But that's not all. When I visited my grandfather in the hospital, I did one very bad thing. I deceived him. I deceived. How bad is that!
And God punished me. War has come to us.
There were Russian soldiers in the yard. They took everyone out into the yard. The guys were stripped naked and watched. I was very ashamed. Why did they take off their clothes?
Aunties and grandmothers were arguing. The soldiers said they were looking for a trace. Looks like a mark from a strap. From a machine gun. And one guy was taken somewhere. Although no one saw a trace of him. This guy was just passing by.
They looked at our documents.
23.02.1995
Everyone steals. And Aunt G, and Aunt A, and Aunt Z, and Uncle K., and X, and M! Everyone takes their cars in the morning. They're coming. And then they come and bring carpets. Dishes. Furniture. Only two or three people do not steal. Yuri Mikhailovich does not steal, and several other neighbors do not steal. Other neighbors say:
- Russian soldiers are stealing!
And it's true.
- And we will steal! The good will still be lost.
And they do so.
From the house opposite, the most tireless one is Grandpa Polonius. He used to work in prison. Overseer. Now he carries wheelbarrows five times a day.
He has about ten friends with him. Sometimes they fight over who gets what. They're screaming right in the yard.
And Aunt Amina and Aunt Rada are different from our house.
We went to the center: me, mom, Aunt Valya and Alenka. And we also went into a private house. There was tea there. We took one box each. Then I saw the doll. It was a baby. And I took it. Alenka found pencils. But mom didn’t take anything.
She said she was almost killed by a sniper. A sniper shot at my mother. After all, it’s a shame if you kill in someone else’s house and you are found as a thief.
- We have a lot of our own things at home. There's nowhere to go! - Mom said. - Let's go home!
And we left.
25.02. 1995
We went to church. She is behind the bridge, where the Sunzha River is.
Sunzha is dirty and muddy. The church was knocked down by the shells.
She was hit more than once. There are houses around, as if after a terrible earthquake: there seemed to be houses, but now only part of the wall.
The church served salted tomatoes and pasta in cups. There were Russian grandmothers, and there were Chechen aunts. There are a lot of children. Grandmothers grumbled at them.
I also saw Lucy there. She lives in destroyed entrances. Her father, mother and grandmother were killed. Lucy paints her lips. She found red lipstick in a broken house. Lucy is 14 years old.
Mom said that a bomb hit the zoo and the animals died. And I saw a dog. Her nose was cut off by shrapnel. She has no nose now. And a lot of dead dogs.
They also said: the nursing home was hit by a bomb and they died. In the church, my aunt-nun took me inside, downstairs. There, in the basement, it is dark, and only thin candles burn near the icons. Everyone prayed that the war would go away soon. The nun aunt gave me fish and potatoes. And I ate. And mom swept the church yard.
They said that the pasta and tomatoes were given by the Cossacks. Cossacks are such people, they live somewhere far away and help here. Because it's war.
Then we walked back. The military fired heavily. We were lying on the ground. And they saw a dead Russian soldier. He was killed in front of us. He was lying down with a weapon nearby. He was wearing a blue uniform.
Mom went into the yard. And there is an armored personnel carrier. And she said:
- Go, your boyfriend is lying there!
And the soldiers ate something and drank from a bottle. And they didn’t go. We went home.
They gave grandfather Yuri Mikhailovich some tomatoes and pasta. He was happy!
05.03.1995
Mom and Uncle Sultan went to the base to get firewood. I'm scared alone.
I ran through the gardens to the base. She ran alone. And the sniper was shooting at the railway. Bullets fell nearby. I wanted to find my mother. She ran and called her. I saw killed people, but it wasn’t my mother, and I didn’t go close. Some aunts and children were lying in the snow. And there was one grandmother in a gray scarf.
Then I found my mother. Uncle Sultan has already left for our yards. Mom kept looking for firewood. We went into the base house, there were old chairs there. Then they started shooting from tanks. And bububuv! The shell exploded. We fell. Wave of air! We were covered with whitewash and stones. But not much. We got out and crawled from there.
Mom explained, she was told that there are such “thermal” mines. They go after the man and tear him to pieces. I crawled through the snow and thought that such a mine would definitely find me, sneak behind me, and then tear me into pieces.
We lay by the road for a long time. Shells were flying, red and orange. And then we managed to run to the houses.
We brought firewood! Fields
11.03. 1995
My boots were torn. My feet get wet. No shoes. I took it and went into someone else's house. Although I gave my mother my word not to go into someone else’s house. But I came in to look at the boots.
I didn't notice that the basement lid was open. I came in and saw the boots. They were lying on the sofa. I looked at them and... fell. To the basement. But not quite inside. If she had fallen, she would have died. There were no stairs, but three meters deep and concrete below.
I grabbed the edges with my hands. I couldn't get out. There was no strength. Sank to the waist. No one came to help. Nobody knew that I went to look for boots. Even my fingers turned white. And then the Chechen grandfather came in. I decided that he would push me downstairs and I would die there, and he gave me his hand. And I got out.
- What are you looking for here? - asked.
“I wanted to take the boots,” I said.
“Aren’t you ashamed,” asked the grandfather, “to steal?”
I turned red like a tomato.
- Your feet are going in the wrong direction! Found the wrong way! - Grandfather said loudly. - Sin! Sin!
- I never came to look for things. Once…
- It will be for you in one go! - Grandfather interrupted me. - Shame!
Then he saw that I was standing in torn boots. I went and got my boots. Threw it across the room.
- Here! - he said. - Take it. Mine were killed by a bomb. My daughter and grandchildren were killed. No one will come to live in this house. Everything is there! - He pointed up with his hand.
I said:
“Sorry,” and she left.
She left in her torn boots. And then she started running. I wanted to run away.
I came across a corpse. He wasn't there half an hour ago. And now he was lying down! A man of about forty. Russian. Inhabitant. He lay there and looked at me with blue eyes. There's a bucket nearby. He went out to get water. He was probably killed by a sniper.
Mom found jam and carried it in her bag:
- Where the hell are you? - she asked.
I said. Mom slapped me on the head. Right next to the dead man. My eyes brightened from the slap on the head. It became very disappointing.
- You can’t take anything except food! - Mom said sternly.
Mom found a blanket that was lying on the street. She covered the deceased and we went home.
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Polina Zherebtsova
Ant in a glass jar
From the publisher
Everything that is in this book was seen, remembered and written down by Polina Zherebtsova, who was born in 1985 in Grozny and lived there until she was almost twenty years old. She began keeping her diary when she was nine. Here is the most complete edition to date of recordings made in 1994–2004. The text is printed in the author's edition, with abbreviations, based on materials provided to the publisher in electronic form in November 2013.
Dedicated to the multinational population of the Chechen Republic, which was bombed from the sky and fired from the ground.
“Lyatt kiera,” he says, not trying to shout over the cannonade.
I press my knees to my stomach and shake dry lumps of soil falling from above from my face. Some of them had dirty white strands of roots left in them.
“The roots of the sky,” I whisper, “the roots of the sky, stuck in the ground.”
“Hvara duneja vain dats – this universe is not ours,” he says.
“Lyatt kiera—cavities of the earth,” he laughs, “we are already THERE and we just didn’t notice the transition.”
S. Bozhko. “The time of year is war”On the time-worn first page of my Diary it is written:
“Question everything. Cicero"
Hello Diary!
I live in the city of Grozny on Zaveta Ilyich Street. My name is Polina Zherebtsova. I am 9 years old.
For her birthday, March 20, my mother bought a cake with nuts. We were in the center. There are a lot of people in the square. People were screaming. There were grandfathers with beards. They ran in circles.
Lenin used to stand in galoshes. Monument. Then they threw him off, but the galoshes remained.
Why do people scream? What are they asking for? Mom said:
- This is a rally!
Wrote poetry.
I dream like all children
Sail on a ship!
And a magic shell
Find it at the bottom.
Woke up. I washed the dishes. I swept the entrance from the fourth to the first floor. I started washing. I washed things in the basin and read a book.
Why are all the snowflakes and not me? I was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood for the holiday. Mom sewed a suit from her skirt. I want to be a snowflake! All the girls in the class are snowflakes.
Mishka the cat sits next to him on a pillow. I'm reading The Three Musketeers. There is the queen, Milady and D'Artagnan. I like a world where queens wear beautiful dresses. There are musketeers and guardsmen!
It's boring at home.
They played hide and seek. They hid behind trees and in gardens. I was hiding with Khava and Alenka. These are my friends. Then I rode a bicycle. But he broke.
I lost my mouse. Mom bought it for good behavior.
The mouse was sitting in my pocket. She probably fell into the grass. We searched with Alenka and Sashka. Not found.
Mom said she wouldn’t buy such a toy mouse again. She said I was a bungler. Fields
I was invited to visit by Aunt Katya and her daughter Vera. They are our neighbors from the fourth floor. They told me to come in the morning. I got up and went at six o'clock. Mom was sleeping. Then everyone scolded me because I went early. They called you! I was sitting in the kitchen. Aunt Katya let me in. She was making pancakes. Then Vera woke up and we played.
Vera has a boy doll. But I don’t. I have a girl. We decided to marry them.
I saw Grandma Lyuba and Grandpa Styopa from the second floor. They have a funny dachshund dog. The name is Button.
Today is Christian Easter!
We walked around the city. Rain. We reached the church. All the neighbors congratulated each other. They treated us to pies. The children ate colored eggs. Baba Zina gave to everyone. Islam from the alley and Magomed ate the most. But Vasya and Alenka didn’t get it. Baba Nina gave them pies.
It had been raining since the morning. Mom and Aunt Anya said: this is bad. When it rains, God cries because there are many sinners on earth.
Hurricane. Trees fell to the ground. Everyone was scared. Then we went to the gardens to pick apricots. But they are still unripe and green.
I had a terrible dream: a monster was tearing through the window. It had claws and it knocked out the bars on the window.
We played: Patoshka, Vera, Asya, Khava, Alenka, Rusik, Arbi, Umar, Dimka, Islam, Sashka, Vasya, Ilya, Igor, Seryozha, Denis and me. First they played catch, then they played ball!
Mom gave us Jupi juice from a bag. We stirred it in a bucket of water. They drank. My favorite is orange, and Alenka’s is red. Strawberry. Then mom gave us Turba chewing gum. There is a car and a picture. Everyone was very happy.
Mishka the cat is sick.
I helped my mother sell cookies at Berezka. Mom doesn't get paid at work. Food is bad. Aunt Katya says:
- These are the times. Heavy.
We made chicken paw soup and ate it. Previously it was cooked from chicken, but now from paws. Paws are sold per kilogram. The chicken tasted better. Very tasty.
Mom wants to transfer me to another school.
High school students hit one girl on the head with a chair, she is in the hospital. I have been friends with Nadya since first grade. Told her secrets.
I'm collecting stickers and only have one left to stick. To win a Cindy doll! Nadya asked for a book, and I gave it. And I forgot that the book contains an album and stickers! Nadya returned the book, but not the album. My mother and I went to their house. They live in a private house. Mom asked her grandfather to give it back. They didn't give it away. I cried. Now I have no album and no girlfriend.
I saw a little pig at their house. He ran like a dog. Fields
Nadya is silent. Doesn't give away the album. And Chava said:
– Don’t give her anything either!
And I knew that I had Nadya’s dictionary. And I wanted not to give it away, but then I gave it away. If she is like that, then I am not like that.
I like Elena Alexandrovna - she plays with us. This is our teacher. I also like Alexey, who sits at the same desk with Yulka. I think I love him. He bought me a bun at the buffet. He is also not afraid of vaccinations. Me and the other girls hid in the toilet, but they still found us and gave us injections in the back. We cried.
...there were two glasses on the table. One with food for fish, the other with poison for mice. I knew what the poison was. But it was interesting what would happen if you fed it to fish. She gave me a little. They died in the aquarium. I was afraid to look at them. They became dead, but were alive.
Mom rushed over and let’s beat me.
- Murderer! “Mom fought with a towel.” - You are a murderer!
Aunt Maryam's son Akbar was upset. These were his fish. Aunt Maryam did not scold. She gave me a bagel and said she would throw the fish down the toilet.
I wasn't ashamed. It was scary. The killer feels fear. Fields
Mom bought food.
I bathed Mishka in a basin. Alenka helped. Then we walked until lunch. They lay and looked at the sky. I told Alenka that ghosts live in the old boiler room, which is located in the yard. She was scared. Alenka is a whole year younger than me.
Then Igor came and began to tell us that adults were lying and there was no Santa Claus. I said that there is no Santa Claus in a red hat. And there is Santa Claus who lives in the ice. He wanders around unseen, looking into windows in winter. And only children can see it. Alenka, Igor and Khava believed me. I thought he was walking and looking out the windows. Otherwise, how would I know this?
There is a line for bread, there is a fight in the store.
I brought an ant. He lives in a glass jar: there is earth there. I read in a book that ants build beautiful cities, and I decided to see how. Let him build it in a bank!
Wedding in the yard! Everyone was given candy. We danced Lezginka. They shot from a pistol. Aunt Maryam said:
– They shoot to make the evil spirits run away!
Alenka and I were talking about ghosts again. And Islam said that he was afraid to go to gardens. Because there are ghosts flying over garlic and onions.
More than anything else, I love running away from home. Mom beats me and doesn’t allow me. But I'm walking. I stand and look at the mountains.
They are blue. I love mountains. More than the sky and the sun. They surround my city. I look at them and think that when I grow up, I will go to them. I'll definitely go!
Everyone is afraid of an earthquake. Neighbors spent the night on the street. And we live on the first floor. We spent the night at home.
Grandfather Anatoly came. I asked how an earthquake happens. He took a box of matches from his pocket. He put it on his hand and shook it. The matches fell.
“That’s how the house falls,” said grandfather. - The earth is moving.
Then he opened the box, and there were no matches. And the beetle!!! Big beetle. Wings in green. Grandfather showed me the beetle and then let me go. The beetle flew away and got lost in the maple leaves.
